12 February 2012

Taking risks, following my path

My living situation got worse and worse.  Thursday morning, I was told (not asked) via a note  that I needed to watch the kids that evening and I had to call them and and tell them I couldn't because I had an improv class with David Cassel
I am upset the whole day.  I come over to Robert's and tell him that I think I may split in two.  He comforts me.  I go to class and try to forget about my situation.
At this class, I remember that I am good at things, like to play, deserve respect, and most importantly, why I came to Berlin in the first place.  I'm on a path, and I should not stray from the path.  Every time I do, things go wrong.  The path.  The path is important.  Even if it is difficult,  even when there are tests, the path is important.

I left them a note asking them to please give me 24 hours notice if they wanted me in the evening because it would help me to make sure I was available.  Also, I asked them for help moving a piece of furniture out of my room because Robert has a bad flu and can't get out of bed.  I said that I was feeling out of sorts and doing my best to be accomodating and stay out of the way, that I was trying to meet their expectation but was not always sure what it was.  Ever since I went to Prague, Ebrahim and Sybille had been increasingly rude to me.  Who knows why?  I did everything they asked me, too and got their 2 year old to go to sleep!  (Do you know how hard it is to get a two year old to go to sleep? It can be really fucking difficult.)  Anyway, yesterday morning, I wake up before the alarm.  I go to the cold bathroom, pee, and brush my teeth.  I put on my clothes and go make some Turkish Coffee in the kitchen.  Ebrahim comes downstairs to his office.  "Morgen,"  I say.  "Wie geht's?"
"Gut, danke."  He says bruskly and leaves without asking me how I am.  The feeling is icy like the weather.
I schlepp myself upstairs.  Juliet lets me in. Sybille and Ebrahim are sitting there in the kitchen glaring at me.  I smile.  "Morgen," I say and make myself coffee.  I try to be cheery, wait for one of them to say something.  I see my note is still on the refrigerator but has been moved.  Sybille walks past me without eye contact or a word.  I say, "Oh, Robert is much better.  He can help me."
"Oh, good," the icy mommy mutters and leaves the room.
I sit at the kitchen table with Younis while Mom and dad get ready for work.  They come in the kitchen.  Ebrahim says, "Bye," pauses for half a second, "Younis."  Because he definitely doesn't want to talk to me.  So rude.
Now I'm just pissed.  Younis and I have a nice time in the morning.  I know it will be my last day.  Robert has told me that I can leave my things at his place while I couch surf and look for a home.  We also agree that I can stay until Wednesday, when I have a job interview at The Center
I am so excited!  My first interview for an official freelance artist position!
I am scared about the choice I have made, but I must make room for opportunity.  I must open myself up to the possibility of success, which means opening myself to the possibility of failure as well.  My living situation has begun to cause me spiritual damage.  I do not feel safe there.  I must leave.
I go to Improv that night and perform.  I am FUNNY!  After, I meet an older ex-pat from Florida.  He is part of English Theatre Berlin and encourages me to audition in April.  Okay!  He also tells me he has a couch I can crash on for a night or two.  We become Facebook friends.
Today someone from the improv group tells me they have a space I can rent from now until April 28th.  I'm also going to look at something for long-term on Tuesday.  I pack and move all of my things out today.  Lie to Ebrahim and Sybille by saying, "Sorry, I found a place."  Ebrahim has artificial understanding and Sybille is an all out bitch.  I'll go clean my room, get my remaining kitchen items and take out the trash tomorrow, maybe leave them a note detailing the ways the situation did not work for me, or maybe just a present or letter for Juliet.  I feel a little bad about the way I left, but really, I have to take care of myself because the truth of the matter is that no one else is going to.  And though my decision scares me, I know I did the right thing!

1 comment:

  1. This did not deserve it's own complete entry, but I found a place to live until the 29th of February. Go me.