On Sunday I went to the flea market at Boxhagener Platz, twisted balloons for 3 hours, and made 40 Euro. Not quite enough to live on, but not bad at all! I ran out of balloons though, and the only place I know to get them so far they are 10 Euro for a bag of 100. But I heard I can find them somewhere near RAW, a circus/art space on Revelarstrasse for 7 Euro, so that's bettter. I'm teaching a 2 hour clown workshop on Wednesday night and Eve and I have a gig on Thursday. Tomorrow morning at 11 I am going to register my address with the police at the Beurgeramt, then I have tandem speaking with Simone and then rehearsal with Eve. It will be a long, long day and I will have a sense of accomplishment at the end, I hope.
The weather here has shifted. It is like the Outer Sunset, gray and cold. I am glad I bought that winter coat at the thrift store.
I have a feeling inside time is coming. Any computer people have ideas about how to get English language TV and movies to stream in Germany? Mirror sites, etc?
But now for the really exciting stuff: Yesterday after twisting balloons, I called Eve to meet up and she said she was at the circus. I thought she meant the Shake circus by the Ostbanhoff, where Daniel and Sharon live, so I went there. She actually meant RAW, the space I will be teaching at next week. But Sharon was home and did not mind that I stopped by. We ate pastries and went to Goerlitzer Park with Zigi. I started tossing and dropping a juggling club. Sharon started trying to instruct me and I almost had a temper tantrum, but he didn't let it get to him. He just started passing clubs to me, and I got really frustrated, but he just kept doing it, and then I started catching them! We did this for about two hours. It was incredible! For him, it was just juggling practice, but for me, it was beyond intimate, allowing someone to watch me fail in this specific way over and over again. There was no judgement of good or bad. Just practice, just the motion. I caught a lot with my left hand, less with my right. My truncated digit gives me more of a challenge here, but I can do it. And passing clubs is fun! I have a new hobby.
Today I was supposed to go to a contact class with Eve, but we got lost and I got frustrated and basically feel like I need to spend some time alone this week because there has been a lot of data coming at me and not enough processing time.
I was sad this morning. Overwhelmed and overloaded. B-- left this afternoon to be in the US for 3 weeks and I am really looking forward to being more comfortable in my home. It is hard to relax with so many rules and when you know everything you do may be criticized. She can't help it. It's just the way she is. But I need to find somewhere else to live. By November 1st would be nice. I'm interviewing for a place on Saturday. Cross fingers!
My head is a messy and out of control swampland right now. Partially hormonal, I'm sure, but also there is a feeling of displacement. Technically I can come home to the States, but if I do, I know how that story goes. So I attempt to get a Visa so I can stay longer, but I've all the stress of "what if." Of course, if I can't get the Visa, there is always Thailand. It's possible that I could volunteer at a permaculture center in Chaing Mai for a time. A lot of things are possible, regardless of money. There are parts of me that have faded away, possibly permanently, and this is terrifying. The world of possibility is open to me, and this is also terrifying.
I may have a job for 6 hours a week (2x a week for 3 hours) playing with a little boy and speaking English. This would amount to just under 50 Euro a week, which is not enough to live off by itself, but would help a lot.
And I am starting to rehearse with a guitarist.
There is so much opportunity for me here. Everything tells me to stay. Still, some days are hard. I absorb the stress of others so easily, and I am already nervous about having the apartment be perfect when B-- comes home on the 26th. It's nervewracking.
Maybe I should just make this commitment to only seeing people for work related things these next few days and then going home and dealing with myself. Hey, things come in cycles. To learn and to grow hurts sometime. And I am learning and growing a lot, so I guess the hard days are to be expected.
I hope Eve had a good time at the contact class. I got Pommes Frittes (French fries) at the Currywurst place on Hermannstrasse and met a girl named Etta who just quit her job in the fashion industry and might trade English lessons in exchange for using her sewing machine. I'm now in a cafe I just dicovered in my neighborhhod called Frolein Langer. I think this is my new spot. Many couches, candlelight, WLAN, and an international crowd. Sweet!