Berlin seems to be a topsy-turvy teeter-totter of plentitude and sparsity. I'm sitting in a Turkisch Backeri with W-LAN around the corner from my temporary home on Schillerpromenade. My right shoulder is killing me and I don't know why. Probably a combination of bad posture and stress. I have cramps and a job interview. I'm a good actor. I'll act like I feel fabulous!
I interviewed for two different rooms yesterday. One in a Housing Project with 17 people. It was quiet and clean with not too many rules. I would definitely live there. Also, it was in Kreuzberg, a neighborhood I adore. The other was with one other person in Wedding, a neighborhood I am not crazy about. The woman was sweet, a social worker working in the anti-psychiatry sector. Here apartment was clean and with character, a romantic red rose motif. She suffered from agoraphobia and smoked in the kitchen. I have come to accept that smoking inside is just something I will have to deal with. I asked her if there was wireless internet. She said yes but that she didn't like to share her password. I tried to explain to her that just because I used her internet signal did not mean I had access to her files. She really liked me and actually, we got along well, but I will not move in there unless she trusts me enough to give me her password.
Honestly, the place I end up next doesn't really matter in the long-long-term. I have to be able to live there until June, sublet for 2.5 months, and come back to it. And then, if I want to, I can look for my dream home.
The only sure thing in my life right now is that I have improv rehearsal on Thursday nights and an improv show on Friday nights until the beginning of April. Thank god for this. Also, after a year-long hiatus from using language onstage and a 10 year hiatus from slam poetry, I have decided it is time to start rocking the Berlin poetry slam scene. Poetry slam is a relatively new genre in Germany, and there are a few English Language slams. I've been writing a lot of slam style poems lately, and I have quite a few oldies up my sleeve as well. I have decided that this will be my performance at Pizza Sonntag on Sunday. Dammit, there are enough challenges going on in my life right now. I should allow myself to do what I do well and enjoy a little success.
Get ready, Berlin, because this lady slam poet is about to take you over!
And just to be clear, even though everything is so, so hard right now, I am still glad I quit the shitty Au Pair job. And I am so, so thankful for Robert.
Showing posts with label homeless. Show all posts
Showing posts with label homeless. Show all posts
15 February 2012
12 February 2012
Taking risks, following my path
My living situation got worse and worse. Thursday morning, I was told (not asked) via a note that I needed to watch the kids that evening and I had to call them and and tell them I couldn't because I had an improv class with David Cassel
I am upset the whole day. I come over to Robert's and tell him that I think I may split in two. He comforts me. I go to class and try to forget about my situation.
At this class, I remember that I am good at things, like to play, deserve respect, and most importantly, why I came to Berlin in the first place. I'm on a path, and I should not stray from the path. Every time I do, things go wrong. The path. The path is important. Even if it is difficult, even when there are tests, the path is important.
I left them a note asking them to please give me 24 hours notice if they wanted me in the evening because it would help me to make sure I was available. Also, I asked them for help moving a piece of furniture out of my room because Robert has a bad flu and can't get out of bed. I said that I was feeling out of sorts and doing my best to be accomodating and stay out of the way, that I was trying to meet their expectation but was not always sure what it was. Ever since I went to Prague, Ebrahim and Sybille had been increasingly rude to me. Who knows why? I did everything they asked me, too and got their 2 year old to go to sleep! (Do you know how hard it is to get a two year old to go to sleep? It can be really fucking difficult.) Anyway, yesterday morning, I wake up before the alarm. I go to the cold bathroom, pee, and brush my teeth. I put on my clothes and go make some Turkish Coffee in the kitchen. Ebrahim comes downstairs to his office. "Morgen," I say. "Wie geht's?"
"Gut, danke." He says bruskly and leaves without asking me how I am. The feeling is icy like the weather.
I schlepp myself upstairs. Juliet lets me in. Sybille and Ebrahim are sitting there in the kitchen glaring at me. I smile. "Morgen," I say and make myself coffee. I try to be cheery, wait for one of them to say something. I see my note is still on the refrigerator but has been moved. Sybille walks past me without eye contact or a word. I say, "Oh, Robert is much better. He can help me."
"Oh, good," the icy mommy mutters and leaves the room.
I sit at the kitchen table with Younis while Mom and dad get ready for work. They come in the kitchen. Ebrahim says, "Bye," pauses for half a second, "Younis." Because he definitely doesn't want to talk to me. So rude.
Now I'm just pissed. Younis and I have a nice time in the morning. I know it will be my last day. Robert has told me that I can leave my things at his place while I couch surf and look for a home. We also agree that I can stay until Wednesday, when I have a job interview at The Center
I am so excited! My first interview for an official freelance artist position!
I am scared about the choice I have made, but I must make room for opportunity. I must open myself up to the possibility of success, which means opening myself to the possibility of failure as well. My living situation has begun to cause me spiritual damage. I do not feel safe there. I must leave.
I go to Improv that night and perform. I am FUNNY! After, I meet an older ex-pat from Florida. He is part of English Theatre Berlin and encourages me to audition in April. Okay! He also tells me he has a couch I can crash on for a night or two. We become Facebook friends.
Today someone from the improv group tells me they have a space I can rent from now until April 28th. I'm also going to look at something for long-term on Tuesday. I pack and move all of my things out today. Lie to Ebrahim and Sybille by saying, "Sorry, I found a place." Ebrahim has artificial understanding and Sybille is an all out bitch. I'll go clean my room, get my remaining kitchen items and take out the trash tomorrow, maybe leave them a note detailing the ways the situation did not work for me, or maybe just a present or letter for Juliet. I feel a little bad about the way I left, but really, I have to take care of myself because the truth of the matter is that no one else is going to. And though my decision scares me, I know I did the right thing!
I am upset the whole day. I come over to Robert's and tell him that I think I may split in two. He comforts me. I go to class and try to forget about my situation.
At this class, I remember that I am good at things, like to play, deserve respect, and most importantly, why I came to Berlin in the first place. I'm on a path, and I should not stray from the path. Every time I do, things go wrong. The path. The path is important. Even if it is difficult, even when there are tests, the path is important.
I left them a note asking them to please give me 24 hours notice if they wanted me in the evening because it would help me to make sure I was available. Also, I asked them for help moving a piece of furniture out of my room because Robert has a bad flu and can't get out of bed. I said that I was feeling out of sorts and doing my best to be accomodating and stay out of the way, that I was trying to meet their expectation but was not always sure what it was. Ever since I went to Prague, Ebrahim and Sybille had been increasingly rude to me. Who knows why? I did everything they asked me, too and got their 2 year old to go to sleep! (Do you know how hard it is to get a two year old to go to sleep? It can be really fucking difficult.) Anyway, yesterday morning, I wake up before the alarm. I go to the cold bathroom, pee, and brush my teeth. I put on my clothes and go make some Turkish Coffee in the kitchen. Ebrahim comes downstairs to his office. "Morgen," I say. "Wie geht's?"
"Gut, danke." He says bruskly and leaves without asking me how I am. The feeling is icy like the weather.
I schlepp myself upstairs. Juliet lets me in. Sybille and Ebrahim are sitting there in the kitchen glaring at me. I smile. "Morgen," I say and make myself coffee. I try to be cheery, wait for one of them to say something. I see my note is still on the refrigerator but has been moved. Sybille walks past me without eye contact or a word. I say, "Oh, Robert is much better. He can help me."
"Oh, good," the icy mommy mutters and leaves the room.
I sit at the kitchen table with Younis while Mom and dad get ready for work. They come in the kitchen. Ebrahim says, "Bye," pauses for half a second, "Younis." Because he definitely doesn't want to talk to me. So rude.
Now I'm just pissed. Younis and I have a nice time in the morning. I know it will be my last day. Robert has told me that I can leave my things at his place while I couch surf and look for a home. We also agree that I can stay until Wednesday, when I have a job interview at The Center
I am so excited! My first interview for an official freelance artist position!
I am scared about the choice I have made, but I must make room for opportunity. I must open myself up to the possibility of success, which means opening myself to the possibility of failure as well. My living situation has begun to cause me spiritual damage. I do not feel safe there. I must leave.
I go to Improv that night and perform. I am FUNNY! After, I meet an older ex-pat from Florida. He is part of English Theatre Berlin and encourages me to audition in April. Okay! He also tells me he has a couch I can crash on for a night or two. We become Facebook friends.
Today someone from the improv group tells me they have a space I can rent from now until April 28th. I'm also going to look at something for long-term on Tuesday. I pack and move all of my things out today. Lie to Ebrahim and Sybille by saying, "Sorry, I found a place." Ebrahim has artificial understanding and Sybille is an all out bitch. I'll go clean my room, get my remaining kitchen items and take out the trash tomorrow, maybe leave them a note detailing the ways the situation did not work for me, or maybe just a present or letter for Juliet. I feel a little bad about the way I left, but really, I have to take care of myself because the truth of the matter is that no one else is going to. And though my decision scares me, I know I did the right thing!
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