The past 24 hours have been challenging for me. They leave me feeling like the above photo says, "What the Fuck?" I had two tandem speaking appointments yesterday, both fun, I'll write about tandem speaking soon in it's own entry. It's really a great thing. But now, my frustrations. I've been trying to stay rather positive and/or neutral on my blog, but I think that I am going to actually be rather angry with this one, and that is just the way it must be.
Between appointments yesterday, I went to the Turkish Market. I bought some vegetables, lamented over how I shouldn't buy fish or meat because I don't feel my space for cooking is adequate, and then I sw the Suppengrüne for only 1€. Suppengrüne is carrots, celery root, parsely, and maybe a leek. I almost bought one, and then I realized that making soup in my space, while it might be possible, would definitely be problematic. See, my two burner portable electric stove is in the living room, a space I was told the family "never used" when I agreed to the childcare in exchange for rent situation I am in now. Of course, what they actually meant by "never used it" is "always sent the kids down there to be loud and also watched movies there on weekends without inviting you or asking if you would like to join."
I feel that, in a way, this family is very generous. I have privacy, my own room, my own bathroom, etc. I just don't feel like I am a part of their community. And I really want to be part of a community. Or at least feel comfortable in my space. I want a home and I don't have one. When I feel said, I want to be able to make soup in a relatively quiet and respectful environment and through the process, feel better. I really like this family and the values they are raising their kids with, but I don't like not being considered. The dad is warm and friendly. I feel comfortable talking to him. Mom seems mostly cold and stressed out. Sometimes she is nice to me, and she tells me to ask if I need anything, but whenever I try to talk to her, she doesn't have time. I also feel like there is no clarity about what is expected of me and what the boundaries of our arrangement are. I am told that I don't have to take Younis to Kita in the morning next week. I say, "Oh, cool. Maybe I'll go to Prague." And the mother says, "It would be great if you could make another film with Juliet." Ok, fine, but just tell me when! Don't be so ambiguous! So today, after getting rejected from a WG because my partner's assumed gender is not the one they like to have hanging around their flat, I broke down and cried to Robert about how frustrated I was to not have a home. I'll come to the States for two months this summer to work, but I don't have a home in the Bay Area either. It's really hard to be grounded enough to start any sort of creative project when I don't have a space where I can be myself. Also, it's hard to know if I am taking enough space for myself in my various relationships when I don't have any space that I feel is mine. And so instead of thinking, "I'm tired. I'll go home and rest and not have so much input," I just do what other people suggest because I don't so much have any safe space to go. It's really messed up.
Today I went home for little bit and after making myself a fried egg and cheese sandwich, I went upstairs to attempt to make an appointment with Juliet for some hang out and animation time. Juliet will be at her dad's Monday through Wednesday. "Okay, well, if you're back on Wednesday, we can work then. Otherwise, I probably won't be here."
I was going to ask Mom if she would consider renting the downstairs apartment that has a kitchen in it. I could pay some and still keep the babysitting arrangement, but it was clear that she was tired and had no interest in talking to me.
Truly, what an asshole am I for complaining? I mean, I don't pay rent! And no one is telling me that I'm doing anything wrong, but well, I need a kitchen, I need a purpose, and I need a space where I feel comfortable creating. I'm supposed to be working as an artist, yet all of my energy is going toward learning German and trying to find a home.
After spending a few hours inside, I packed up my computer to go to the Sofabar, a cozy little kniepe that unfortunately has a fußball game on right now, but whatever.
I step into the courtyard that leads form hinterhaus tor vorhaus and the ground is covered with a thin, glittering blanket of white. Schnee! I am so happy to have snow. Finally.