08 November 2011

Partings, Kefir, The Cold

I have developed a taste for Kefir, a yogurt drink my grandfather used to drink.  I remember being young, going to the stuffy apartment in Los Angeles, the shelves laid heavy with tchatskies and candy, and drinking strawberry kefir from a small, round glass. 
Now, I sit in the spacious kitchen on Spittastraße at the round table and drink unsweetened Kefir from a plastic container, it's foil lid crumpled and peeled back.  I look around the space, appreciating the vibrance of this, my temporary home, the high kitchen counters, the orchid in bloom on the window sill, the small, random stuffed animals and figurines placed on shelves without reason or ceremony.  There is ET, a clown fish, and a blue troll/monster that I have named Aristotle.  He's got all the answers.
The air has a bite to it today and while I am tempted to build a fire, I think it would be a waste.  I'll only be home for a few more hours and then it's off to childcare.  I'm doing 4 overnights with a two-year old.  I've never done overnight childcare before.  While I'm nervous about this, I think it might actually be pretty fun.  Also, it is relieving quite a bit of my financial stress.
Also, it will be a nice distraction from my rapidly changing world.  Eve and I had our last show on Sunday at Silver Future, a small queer cafe which is one of my favorite spots in Berlin.  We were well received and after sat for quite awhile with Daniel, Asia, Sharon, Robert and Eve's friend Jakob.  The mood was festive and close.  I felt belonging.  I felt like home.
Last night Eve left for Prague and onward.  She will be flying out of Barcelona back to Canada on December 19th (my birthday.)  So concludes this chapter of my life as a clown.  I try to remember that we are all on our own paths, that everything is temporary.  I think of my favorite Robert Frost poem"
Nothing Gold Can Stay (1923)
Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay. 
It's true.  I accept this.  But this knowledge doesn't make the parting easier.  I feel that with Eve's leaving, I lose a part of myself.  Maybe I lose this one part to make room for another.  Now, instead of focus on clown and performance, I focus on language and immigration.  I start my language class on November 21st and I will be making my first attempt at obtaining my Visa in the beginning of Dezember.  Still, it is hard to say goodbye to HE: A Genderstranged Clown Duo.
Another difficult parting is that of Sharon, who is going back to Israel at the end of November.  He does not know if he will return to Berlin.  This really tears my heart in half, but everyone has to take care of themselves, and he is doing what he needs to do.  I cannot imagine Berlin without Sharon.  He was my first friend here.  He is my brother.  I feel an understanding, a connection with him I don't feel with most people.  And I'll miss his dog Zigi also.
Everyone does things for their own reasons.  We are all free agents.  We are all temporary.  The leaves on the Sycamores on Türrschmidtstraße turn gold and fall, floating softly to the ground.  Gravity is gentle with them, forms them into large, soft piles that one can jump into, kick into a flurry.  Soon it will be winter.  Snow and ice will cover the ground, the barren trees standing sentinels watching over the world.  
I fasten myself to myself, dry my tears, take deep breaths. Wait.

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